Finding Lost Things

 

I am the guardian of a small, one-eyed black dog named Tai. He has been a fine companion through this horrible pandemic, usually cheerful and a very willing walking partner. We walk four times each day, including one long ramble through the neighborhood to our favorite local park. Tai has  been by my side for the past 8 years now, through the break-up of my second marriage, the move out of the marital home, and the myriad of crises that have arisen since the move. Yeah, he's just a dog and has no awareness of human foibles, but he comforted me. During this Covid-19 disaster, Tai helped me to stay somewhat sane.

The other day, Tai and I were on our morning walk. When we got back to the house, my keys weren't in my pocket. Damn! I must have dropped them while pulling the plastic bag from my coat pocket to pick up Tai's poop.  This was not a major calamity since I have spare keys, but it was annoying. I might have to change the locks.  I opened the house with my spare key, put Tai inside and started re-tracing my steps.  I had little hope of finding the keys. It was late autumn, and it was likely that the keys would be obscured by fallen leaves.

I was muttering under my breath. I had screwed up and now I was screwed. There is an alley that Tai and I often walk in the neighborhood - it's Tai's favorite place to drop a deuce.  I crept along behind the houses, eyes on the fence line.  I was on the verge of giving up when I saw something shiny in a pile of oak leaves - my keys!! 

There is no greater joy than finding something important that you were sure was lost.  The day seemed brighter and my elation lasted quite a while.

But of course, I did the same thing again a few days later. This time, I dropped the key to my backyard shed - a bigger problem because I had no spare key in my possession. I re-traced my steps to no avail. And then, yesterday morning, I was on a walk with Tai and a very good friend. I told her of my lost shed key.  She went into search mode, looked at the steps of a neighbor's house and there it was! So once again, I had that jolt of elation. This time, I was saved by my friend.

I have been married twice, divorced twice.  All my other relationships prior to and after my marriages also failed for various reasons that are  too boring and banal to describe in writing.  A few years ago, I gave up. I'm over 65 years old & retired now. I have a dog. I have hobbies. I have children & grandchildren. I have a few good friends. That's enough. I accepted that I had lost the chance to have a life partner.  I have given it the college try. I stopped looking for something I couldn't find.

Last April, I was taking Tai on his long walk through the neighborhood. I heard someone behind me call my name. I turned and saw a woman I knew from the local wine shop. Back in the years before Covid, we both went to the Friday evening wine tastings and we would chat a bit. She joined my dog & me on our walk that day and we had a pleasant conversation. 

And after a few months, I realized I had discovered another thing I had stopped looking for. This is unfolding day by day. I'm trying hard not to screw up or future trip. It's an unexpected chapter. It needs to progress without my efforts to guide or control it.

The past two years have been terrible for the United States, and the world. Covid-19 has killed millions. Trust in experts has faded. It appears that climate change is accelerating. Democracy is under attack. Violent crime is spiking.  But I feel hopeful. For me, something important that was lost has been found.

What I have Learned from the Pandemic

 

In April, I thought that the pandemic was over. It was a month after I received the J&J "one and done" jab. Vaccination demand was skyrocketing and the primary problem was getting adequate doses to satisfy the folks clamoring for their shots.  The United States went from a high point of over 300,000 new cases a day in early January of this year to under 3,500 new cases on July 4th. I started travelling again and went out to my local restaurants that managed to survive this terrible time.

It looks like I celebrated too early.  We had 108,775 new cases on July 26. The Delta variant is overwhelming the unvaccinated. When cases go up, so do hospitalizations and, eventually, deaths. We are closing in on 300 Covid-19 deaths a day, up from 37 on July 4th. These illnesses and deaths are all voluntary since they are occurring primarily among unvaccinated people. Supply of vaccine doses is no longer a problem.  There are no more supply chain kinks; there are only kinks in the brains of many Americans. They are choosing to believe things about vaccines that can be proven to be untrue.

I'm back to masking when indoors. I am also looking into adding Pfizer or Moderna to my system - the J&J jab doesn't seem to be as effective against Delta as the other vaccines.  I am in the risk group of folks - over 65 years old - so I am interested in bolstering my immune system.  But I'm lucky - I live in Evanston IL, where most people are fully vaccinated.  If I stay in the city limits, the risk is quite low. Covid isn't a crisis anymore for those of us who are vaccinated. It's the unvaccinated people that should be worried. But the kinks in their brains don't allow them to perceive the threat.

I went into isolation on March 12, 2020. I got my jab on March 12, 2021.  I learned a lot during this year + of loss and solitude.  I decided to make a little list.

• Death is right behind us, all the time.  It can be a microscopic virus or a drunk driver or a heart attack or a bullet. Remembering that death is coming for all of us helps me stay focused on the miracle of human existence.
• In addition to being inevitable, death is also random. I tested positive for Covid-19 last fall and had almost no symptoms.  A friend of mine (about my age) caught the bug and was dead in 10 days.
• We can't ignore our losses. I've lost friends to the novel coronavirus. My sister-in-law died during the pandemic (but not due to the virus). Many of my musical heroes caught Covid and died. I have felt numb at times. I need to sit with the losses, not stuff them down and seal them off.
• Great progress can be made in solitude. Sorting out the tangle of past events, finding ways to increase serenity and reducing the crazed "busyness" of modern life have helped me relax a little, finally.
• Grandparents are important. For parents of young children, this pandemic has been really challenging. When grandparents can step up and help with childcare and other parenting work, the pressure on mom and dad becomes more manageable.
• Humans are incredibly adaptable. I have spent a lot of time on Zoom video calls. The platform works well for certain types of interactions.  Technology and government fiscal policy saved the economy from a long, terrible recession. It has been amazing to see resources mobilize to fight this thing.
• Technology can't help us with one problem - lack of human touch and closeness.  A life without handshakes, hugs and kisses is not a complete human life.
• We should not let things go back to normal. I learned that I am more self-sufficient than I realized.  I also learned that I need other people and I need to extend kindness to friends, family and strangers. Self-sufficiency can co-exist with deep connection to others. The pandemic also exposed a truth that we like to ignore - that rich people/white people sail through crises that destroy poor people/people of color. We should not forget what has been fully revealed.
• When all else fails, play the harmonica.

And finally, the pandemic has helped me re-commit to staying in the moment. I am trying harder not to let little bullshit things piss me off.  Whenever I feel my temperature rise over some irritation, I ask myself "How important is this?" Almost always, the answer is "not important at all."

 

Pandemic's Crushing Effect on Live Music

 

The past year has been devastating. As of 8PM on March 15, 2021, there were 533,057 deaths from Covid-19 in the United States.  Healthcare providers are exhausted and traumatized by all the death.  Millions of people (myself included) are still sticking close to their homes and are quite isolated from other human beings. School children and teachers are struggling to figure out how to keep education going during the pandemic. The economy has bifurcated into a group of home-working professionals (they're doing fine, thanks) and everyone else (folks laid off due to the illness, forced to work at low-wage jobs with exposure due to the essential nature of their roles, etc.). Food banks are seeing record numbers of clients.

In the middle of all this is the live music industry. It has been crushed. I know this isn't the biggest problem when we ponder all the effects of the pandemic, but it is still significant.  Concerts and local music venues build connection and community. I am a huge music fan (and amateur musician) and I feel a little lost without live music.  My musician friends are struggling. Their livelihood depended on performing.  Yes, they have shifted to livestreaming and other methods to connect with their audiences, but it is a very poor substitute. The local venues in Chicago are getting killed, as this video points out.

I am so very pleased that the Biden Administration recognized this crisis and included $15 billion of relief funding for independent music venues and other cultural organizations (museums, etc.)  in the $1.9 trillion American Rescue Act of 2021.  This might be enough oxygen to get these important institutions to the other side of the Covid-19 pandemic. We are starved for the love and shared experiences these places and their passionate backers provide for us.  

I went to my last live concert at SPACE in Evanston IL on February 23, 2020 - I saw Howard Levy, the insanely great harmonica player & pianist. I can't wait to be in front of the stage with my music peeps again.

Five Songs for 2020

 

It is six days before Christmas.  I don't know about you, but our Christmas will be modest and a little weird.  We will be having a very small gathering of folks that are "in our bubble" - a handful of family members.  Many family members and friends will be absent as we follow the recommended novel coronavirus protocols.  I am not complaining - we are very lucky because we have been healthy through the Covid-19 crisis (for the most part).  I know a couple of folks that died of Covid and it is a horrible, lonely way to die.

Whenever I feel messed up, I turn to music for solace.  The spirit that allows us to create music is the spirit that I view as my Higher Power.  It is an incredible, mysterious expression of humanity that allows us to connect and love each other.  I have made a short list of five songs that helped me through the year, and I hope that they might help you, too.

• Hold on by Tom Waits:  This is a brooding, heartfelt song filled with real poetry, delivered in Waits' raspy, whiskey soaked baritone. "Oh you build it up, you wreck it down; then you burn you mansion to the ground." That's killer.  And, man, we all need to hold on right now as this Covid crisis pounds against us.
• You Haven't Done Nothing by Stevie Wonder:  One of Stevie's angriest songs, as relevant now as it was in 1974 when he released "Fulfillingness First Finale."  And you can still dance to it
• You Were Cool by the Mountain Goats (John Darnielle):  John Darnielle has a way with stories.  I think everyone knows someone that might have been the subject of this song.  I can think of several people that lived these lyrics. Bittersweet stuff, and since we have time to think during this pandemic, this song helps me to remember people I have forgotten  for a while.
• America The Beautiful by Ray Charles: Brother Ray turns this old song into a real hymn to our nation.  He performed this at the 2001 World Series, right after 9/11.  Lest we forget, this is still a great country, in spite of the mess we are in right now.
• I Wish That I Knew How It Would Feel To Be Free:  The great jazz pianist and educator, Billy Taylor, wrote this song, but Nina Simone owns it.  This is another song that remains as relevant today as it was in the 1960's. Nina was a ferocious performer, channeling her bipolar illness into the highest art imaginable.  Watch this video to the end to see her drop the mic like a boss!

I hope these songs lift your spirits a little bit during this strange holiday season. Music is a healer, and we can all use some healing right now.

Occupations

I stopped working for compensation earlier this year.  Since the road behind me is longer than the road in front of me, I find myself looking backwards now.  I made a list of all of my occupations - including the shitty kid jobs and unpaid work - that took up my time (and still take up time) during my life.  FWIW, here it is.

• Vendor at Oakland A's and Oakland Raiders games, Oakland Coliseum
• Fast Food Worker, Jack-In-The-Box, San Leandro CA
• Fast Food Worker, Red Barn Restaurant, San Leandro CA
• Golf course & park maintenance worker, City of San Leandro CA
• Manager, Sinbad's Hot Dogs, San Leandro CA
• Trombonist, Youth of America orchestra, San Leandro CA
• Produce delivery worker, Bill's Juice Stands, Berkeley CA
• Maintenance worker, Associated Students of University of California
• Manager, U.C. Berkeley Student Union Building
• Trombonist, Mystic Knights funk band, San Francisco CA
• Trombonist, pit orchestra for the musical Applause, San Francisco CA
• Trombonist in the band for Europarama, a traveling circus
• Trombone teacher for Berkeley CA public school students
• Summer Intern for the U.S. General Accounting Office, Chicago IL
• Admission Assistant, Northwestern University's Kellogg School of Management
• Trainee, Bank of America, Chicago IL
• Corporate Finance Officer, Bank of America, Chicago IL
• Assistant Vice President, Bank of America, Chicago IL
• District Manager, GATX Leasing, Chicago IL
• Assistant General Manager, Lease Underwriting, GATX Leasing - Singapore
• Vice President & General Manager, GATX Leasing - Singapore
• Vice President & Regional General Manager - GATX Leasing Asia Pacific
• Senior Vice President & Manager, Lease Syndication, Heller Financial, Chicago IL
• Senior Vice President & Manager, Project Investment & Advisory Division, Heller Financial, Chicago IL
• Senior Vice President - New Initiatives, Heller Financial, Chicago IL
• Executive Vice President - Corporate Development & Investments, Heller Financial, Chiacgo IL
• Board Member, East Village Youth Program, Chicago IL
• Executive Vice President & Group President, Healthcare Finance Group, Heller Financial, Chicago IL
• President & CEO, Health Charge Corporation, Skokie IL
• Executive Vice President, Corporate Development & Marketing, Transamerica Finance Corporation, Rosemont IL
• Managing Director, Colonnade Advisors, Chicago IL
• Band Leader, Mr. G & the Mystery Band, Evanston IL
• Chief Executive Officer, Colonnade Securities, Chicago IL 
• Facilitator, Family Support Group, National Alliance on Mental Illness - Skokie IL
• Board Member, Recovering Communities of Step Ahead (sober living non-profit), Chicago IL
• Board Member, National Alliance on Mental Illness - Cook Counth North Suburban affiliate, Skokie IL
• Group Representative, Greenwood Maple Al-Anon Family Group, Evanston IL
• Crisis Counselor, Crisis Text Line

Much of my life has been spent pursuing money. I am out of the financial services industry now and I don't miss it at all, not even a little bit.  The Covid-19 quarantine environment has given me lots of time to ponder my past; I have decided that I am grateful to have had that career, and I am grateful that it is over.  I have lots of service work to do.  I owe it to my fellow humans; I owe it to myself. Also, music performance beckons once the pandemic passes.....

Sneaky little bastard

I have been wearing my mask whenever I go to the grocery store and I practice social distancing.  I don't go out much - I walk my dog around the neighborhood and I try to limit my visits to retailers for supplies.  I have not had a restaurant meal indoors since early March.  So I should be safe from da 'Rona, right?

Nope.

On Sunday, October 10, I got stir crazy and invited a couple of my former bandmates to sit with me on my front porch and play some blues for the neighbors.  Everyone was practicing good pandenic hygiene - lots of space/outdoor setting/masks - so it felt safe.  We had fun and it was good to see the top half of  the faces of my friends and neighbors.

I had a minor outpatient surgical procedure scheduled for October 14, so I had to get a Covid-19 test two days before the appointment.  I went to the drive-through testing station on Monday.  On Tuesday, I got the call.  I had tested positive.  Surgery cancelled, to be re-scheduled when da 'Rona leaves me.  I was in quarantine with even my limited mobility eliminated.

I am a lucky guy - I had almost no symptoms of the disease.  I had a slight headache and some minor dizziness.  My groceries came via Instacart for a couple of weeks.  I called everyone that I could remember that was close to me recently and told them of my status.  My two adult kids that live with me in my two-flat tested negative (twice).  I am out of quarantine now. Da 'Rona was gentle with me. 

But it wasn't gentle with my friend, Hecky Powell.  Hecky died from complications of Covid-19 back in late May.  He was a giant of a man, so important to Evanston IL as a community activist, advocate of at-risk youth and an entreprenuer.  He is one of the 230,000+ folks taken by this virus.  We were roughly in the same age cohort - Hecky was 6 years older than me when he died.  So why was I spared but Hecky was not?

The novel coronavirus is a sneaky bastard.  It is a brand new pathogen, it operates in ways that are not yet fully understood.  It is bad news for older folks and people with compromised immune systems, but it also seems to be deadly at random, snatching away people that had many years of productive life ahead of them.

Australia, New Zealand, South Korea and Japan have controlled this bug.  South Korea has less than 1 Covid-19 death per 100,000 people.  The U.S. has over 66 deaths per 100,000 people. The National Center for Disaster Preparedness at Columbia University estimates that as many as 210,000 of the Covid-19 deaths in the U.S. could have been avoided with a more robust and focused public health response.

The Trump Administration bears most of the responsibility for this horrific failure.  Donald Trump indirectly killed my friend Hecky Powell.  This is what is uppermost in my mind as we approach election day.  Forget about every other bad thing this charlatan, Trump, has said and done - the incompetence and callousness of his administration has led to over 200,000 unnecessary deaths.  What a tragedy and waste of human potential!

I hope Trump is defeated and faces consequences for what he has done to our country.  

Sonny Rollins is Still Here

Sonny Rollins

Re-Booting

Sometimes I just stop doing something for no particular reason.  I used to have a blog.  It was a vanity project, something I did in an effort to seem wise and important.  I was, and am, neither of those things, of course.  But I did put some time into it.  For a while, I posted regularly and with some passion.  Then three years ago, I stopped.

No one noticed.  That isn't a surprise.

So today, for no particular reason, I have decided to re-boot the blog.  I am less wise, and certainly less important, than I thought I was when I was an active blogger.  But I can make time for this.  I do have a lot on my mind.

Covid-19 and extra-judicial murders of Black people by policemen has created an apocalyptic vibe in the U.S.  In Chicago, we also have the everyday carnage that results in many more deaths of Black folks - on May 31, less than 2 weeks ago, 18 people were murdered as the Chicago police disappeared from the south and west sides of town to attend to the demonstrations and looting in other neighborhoods - the lack of police presence gave shooters a free pass to kill, according to folks in the neighborhoods (they were quoted in the Chicago Sun Times).   

Like almost everyone, my life has been upended by the pandemic.  In the past few weeks, the outpouring of grief and anger triggered by the killing of George Floyd has added more heavy stuff to ponder.  I am an older white man, but I do have a deeper connection to Black folks than others in my demographic.  I have two bi-racial grandchildren; they are in the next room, watching National Geographic on the Disney Channel right now.  Will they be targeted by the police someday?  Or by gangbangers?  My ability to keep them safe is limited once they hit their teenage years.


It makes sense to ration one's consumption of news reports in order to hold on to some vestige of calmness.   I'm hiding at home, dodging the virus, tamping down the nausea caused by all of the violence - it makes me feel like a coward.  But I am in one of the Covid-19 risk groups, so I wash my hands a lot, wear my face mask and avoid crowds.  No demonstrations for me - I can't afford to get sick, let alone die.  I have work to do.

I return to the core truth - I can only control myself.  I can't control anything else, or anyone else.  I can take action to protect the people I love.  I can take action to persuade others to change their behavior or viewpoint.  I have little control of the outcome of my efforts when I am trying to protect or change others.  I only have control over my own actions and reactions.  

This is a wild and crazy time, but the core truth doesn't change.