I'm going to tell you something that is based on a true story. Names have been changed and some of the details have been altered to protect anonymity.
There once were two young men that met while playing in the school band at a public university. They became friends rather quickly, and decided to become roommates to split the cost of an off-campus apartment. Joe was a year older than Sam and had shifted from a music major to business administration. Sam was also a reformed music major, having made the shift into the econ department. Joe and Sam lived together for 2 years and became very close friends.
Joe graduated into the middle of a recession. Work was hard to find, but he landed an entry-level position in the purchasing department of a major department store chain. It was a soul-crushing, miserable job, trying to squeeze down supplier prices so the stores could make some sort of profit on ladies underwear and other staples. Joe hated the work, and Sam heard stories about his misery every night.
When Sam graduated a year later, the recession was still raging. His job opportunities were awful - things like life insurance sales and management trainee at a discount store chain. Sam got lucky. His GPA and admission test scores were pretty good, so he was awarded a scholarship to go to a decent MBA program out of state. He left Joe and headed across the country.
The MBA program was an excellent fit for Sam, but he realized that it would be even better for Joe. He had a strong desire to help his good friend, who was unhappy in his job. Sam talked Joe into applying, even though Joe's GPA and admissions test scores were mediocre. Sam managed to become the student rep on the admissions committee at the business school. He made a passionate plea for his old roomie and was able to convince the committee to let Joe in. As Sam completed his MBA studies, Joe arrived at the university to start the program.
Joe did phenomenally well at the school - aced all his classes and impressed all the professors. He also met and fell in love with another graduate student. She happened to be the daughter of a very wealthy man - she was going to eventually inherit a fortune. Joe married his new-found love, graduated from school and embarked on a magnificent career. He rose to be a very senior executive at a consumer products firm. That firm was acquired by a huge multi-national conglomerate and Joe's stock options cashed out in excess of $100 million. He retired in his early 50's and embarked on the life of the ultra-rich, with multiple homes, luxurious vacations and a social circle that was oriented towards other folks in the same economic class. Joe's wife became a successful writer; one of her books became a best-seller. Their marriage was strong and they had two children that grew up to be talented and successful adults.
Sam soldiered through a series of jobs over a very long year career. He had some successes, some setbacks. He had two marriages; both ended in divorce. Sam had four children, one found a joyful path in life and the other three struggled with substance abuse and mental illness. He ran out of juice and retired at 65, sheltering alone in a comfortable, but not luxurious, 2-bedroom condo in a major metropolitan area. At various points during his life, he would reach out to Joe. Joe was often slow to respond, and once the options cashed, he stopped responding at all.
So Sam started resenting Joe. The internal narrative ran as follows: "I got the SOB into business school. If it wasn't for me, he would not have been admitted, met his wealthy wife and made $100 million. Now he has snubbed me; he is too rich and famous to bother with his old roommate. I'm smarter than he is, too. He just got lucky, and I'm the reason that he got lucky."
Resentments are hilarious. First of all, they are pointless. There is an old saying - resenting someone is like drinking poison and expecting your adversary to die. The resentment just made Sam agitated and angry. He assumed the worst about Joe without knowing what was really going on in his life. And Sam's rugged, chaotic family life might have caused Joe (and others) to back away, not wanting to get involved in Sam's personal business.
There is another old saying that applies to Sam's state of mind - "Compare and Despair." Joe had more success than Sam, and Sam was envious. Envy is not an admirable emotion, so Sam converted it to resentment and righteous anger over being snubbed by a friend. "After all I have done for him," Sam thought, "how dare he treat me with such disrespect?!"
Resentments grow and fester because they are kind of exciting. Perhaps it feels good to be the aggrieved victim. Perhaps the internalized anger gives the brain something stimulating to think about to relieve the boredom of everyday existence. One thing is certain - resentments are a waste of time and energy, and are usually unjustified. Sam never thought about Joe's point of view, or thought about alternative reasons for the lack of contact. Sam never considered what he may have done that caused Joe to pull away. Sam never realized that he was directing his anger over his own bad choices at his luckier friend instead of addressing the real issues in his own life. It was more gratifying to be the resentful victim of injustice.
This is a trivial story, but it has broad application to the human condition. Letting go of resentments increases personal peacefulness. If everyone did it, the level of aggression and conflict in human societies would decline. One of my primary self-improvement goals is to release all of my resentments. It is a high bar to chin, but I'm working on it.
