I always loved this guy, since I was a high school kid. Here are some of his quotes, which I found on-line today:
"The weather forecast for tonight: dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning. ... What we have here is a Canadian low, which is not to be confused with a Mexican high."
"If crime fighters fight crime, and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? "
"If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted?"
"I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death."
"If the No. 2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still No. 2?"
"One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor."
"If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?""If the 'black box' flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of that stuff?"
"Whose cruel idea was it for the word 'lisp' to have an 'S' in it?""Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?"
"If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?"
"One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people."
"If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?"
"What if there were no hypothetical questions?"
"Atheism is a non-prophet organization."
" 'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that 'I do' is the longest sentence?"
"The word bipartisan usually means some larger-than-usual deception is being carried out."
"Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fact of your next dusting has already been established."
"Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?"
"I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me — they're cramming for their final exam."
"If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little."
"Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit."
"Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that."
"When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a front row seat."
And here is my all-time favorite:
"The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? A Death! What's that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backward. You should die first, get it out of the way. Then you live in an old-age home. You get kicked out when you're too young, you get a gold watch, you go to work. You work 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You do drugs, alcohol; you party; you get ready for high school. You go to grade school; you become a kid; you play; you have no responsibilities. You become a little baby; you go back into the womb; you spend your last nine months floating ... and you finish off as an orgasm."
Thank you, George.